Freedom: Jen's 11 year battle with meth and finding hope in healing

Well, I don’t know where to start, so here goes…

I grew up in a decent household with a mother, step father, and brother. My “own” dad was never around. When I was 13 years old, a car accident left me with $7,000 when I turned 18, so given that, lets move forward to the day after I turned 18.

I was too young to be unsupervised with all that money after 18 years of a mother who loved me so much she smothered and sheltered my every move. I moved to my own small house, in a different small town, by myself. With all this newfound freedom, I was very trusting of EVERYONE. I had never tried drugs or alcohol before. Two weeks to the day I moved out, I tried smoking meth. When you have bipolor disorder and you are manic, meth makes you feel “normal”. I LOVED it. I was hooked after the first night. Four weeks after moving out, I was injecting the meth. My life was slowly spinning out of control. I never had a chance because at first, meth was fun and new for me, and I was meeting all kinds of fun, new people, who didn’t make me pay for anything. So once I had this bad habit and bad addiction, I realized I couldn’t stop when I eventually had to start buying it, my life and behavior was completely out of control. (This is how they hook you---give it to you you for free until you feel like your going to die without it, then you better pay).

Now, part of being an “attractive drug addict,” is the fact you get your pick of the litter of dope manufacturers. I chose the highest “respected” meanest, hardest, criminals and latched on—men and women—because they always had my dope. The guy I chose in 2006 was a doozy. After 2 months of dating, we went to a meth house to trade drugs for guns. Bad mistake. As I had my back turned to weigh out the meth and marijuana, my boyfriend—after neither of us had slept in 9 straight days- got it in his head they were going to kill us- so he shot both the guys in the face. One guy was standing so close to me that his blood and brains splattered on my face. This guy died with a dope pipe in his mouth. The other girl in the room is alive today because of me. He wanted me to go back in and rape and kill her. (At this point, I had jumped over 2 dead bodies and ran out the door) I refused, went into survival mode, and said “BABY! WE GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE!” I did everything I had to do to make him think I was on his side so I didn’t die next.

After he forced me to ditch my car, we took off walking. He needed another car, so he car jacked a 19 year old boy of his brand new Mustang, but not before pistol whipping and shooting him too. This is the 3rd body I saw drop that night. He had 2 bullets left. One for me and one for himself. Before he could kill us, he needed more meth to do it, so after he raped me with that gun to my head, he went to get more meth and was coming right back. After he was no longer in my view, I RAN. I made my way to my mama and told her what happened. She said I needed to call the police immediately—so I did. They were already looking for me anyway.

The police interrogated me and made me out to be a monster, until I explained what happened. After throwing down pictures of bodies and making me relive what happened, they finally decided if it weren’t for me, more people would have died. I had witnesses throughout the night to back up what I said. People I didn’t even know.

40 weeks to the day of the murders, was my due date. I put the cigarettes and needle down and sobered up long enough to be pregnant then went right back. This drug is so strong it’s all I wanted. So moving along with another baby and another failed relationship I finally got out of, I was ready for a new dope cook. This one I married after 3 weeks. We went to another state and eloped. I had never been married before. Well, we got pregnant and after baby #3, it was time for more dope.

Now, this time, I didn’t know he would have sex with my 6 year old, 4 year old, and 15 week old babies in the house. We lived across the street from a cop. We had a search warrant within hours. My husband ran and left me to fend for myself. I went to jail for 3 months. I lost my kids, car, house, husband, everything. They let me out of jail with probation and a mental health program, which I am still in. I came out of jail with nothing but the clothes on my back. This is when I decided I can’t do this anymore. I am FINALLY done.

Its been almost a year since I’ve used and it feels amazing. The detective, Rebecca, who kicked in my door, took my kids from me, and threw me in jail to rot, well, I hated her. Everything was HER fault to me.  I can’t live without her now. She is my probation officer who gives me weekly drug tests. I LOVE her. She is such a strong woman and is teaching me how to be one too. I can’t live without her, my therapist Lydia, or my group leader Ms. Pat. There is something Ms. Pat has said to me I’ll never forget. “Why are you crying over a man?! You are too beautiful for that! Don’t ever let any man make you cry!” Since that day, I have never cried over a man. I make them cry over me now! These strong, beautiful women helped me out of that hole, and now I want to be just like them.

Currently I have an amazing job and amazing people in my life. Without their support and encouragement, I wouldn’t have made it. If everything I went through will help [people get] off meth or prevent them from trying it all together, then it was worth it. I am a survivor and you are too. It CAN be done, and there is a light at the end, you just have to want it bad enough. 11 years I was hooked on that stuff and it destroyed my life and took everything from me. It takes your soul too. Do you really want to walk around with no soul? I don’t. Now that I’m on this side of the fence, I’ll NEVER go back. I’m looking into going back to school and I’m very close to getting kids back. It’s been a long journey. Every day can be a struggle but it gets easier with time. Hang in there.

Thanks for reading, hope this helps.